The Goonies (1985)

Mikey: Hot on the heels of his success saving the town, Mikey developed a need for thrills. He spent the majority of his free time in the library searching for new maps with secret treasures, but none could match the joy of One Eye Willie's treasure. He grew increasingly despondent, and his friends slowly turned away from him. When he turned 25, a trust his parents had opened for him from the money leftover from the pirate jewels matured. Mikey took the money and fulfilled his dream of opening an amusement part, one that could give him the adrenaline rush he had craved for years. Unfortunately, he named the park in honor of the source of the money, and the advertising campaign kept scared parents away in droves: "One Eye Willie will make all your kids smile." Mikey lives alone today, an assistant at a museum in a nearby town.

Brand: The adventure with the treasure made Brand a hero to his new girlfriend, Andy, and to all the kids at school. Brand's signature look - short shorts on top of sweat pants - caught on, and all the guys began copying him. Brand took the experience with him to college, where he studied design. He and Andy now live together with two kids and run a clothing store, Brand Name Clothes.

Mouth: Mouth was murdered by a Puerto Rican after intentionally mistranslating an innocent transaction at a local grocery store where he worked. He was 23.

Data: His unnecessarily overcomplicated inventions won him a scholarship to Stanford. He would go on to make millions with his knock off of Mouse Trap, Pirate Trap.

Chunk: "You're going to live with me. We'll take care of you. I... I love you!" And with those words, a relationship was born. After Chunk graduated high school, he and Sloth moved in together in the city. Chunk wrote his tell-all autobiography, admitting to inane and far-too-personal details such as gluing his uncle's toupee to his face to use a a Moses beard in a Hebrew school play and dumping fake puke at a movie theater to make the audience lose it on one another. It was a gross best seller. They stay inside, with food deliveries arriving every two hours. Neighbors complain that they hear loud cries of "Hey you guuuuuys!!!" late at night. The two are very happy in their seclusion.

Bull Durham (1988)

Crash Davis: Just two months into his managerial career, Crash is arrested and charged with assault. His new team does not like his "lessons" that involve punches, throwing pool balls, and shattering mirrors. Crash serves a 60-day sentence and, upon his release, returns to Durham, where he finds Annie has taken another Bull "under her wing." Alone and unable to find work with a criminal record and no qualifications other than being able to squat behind a plate, Crash spirals into an alcoholic tailspin that eventually leads to an extended stay in Dorothea Dix Hospital. While there, he befriends a wealthy widow who enjoys opining on particle physics and native American breathing techniques. They are released from Dorothea Dix and quickly move in together. The two buy a minor league team and Crash becomes the manager. Crash and the woman also try out something he's been meaning to try for years: a wet kiss that lasts for three days. They emerge, stinking of human funk and dehydration, and can never look each other in the eyes again. They part ways, and Crash is now the first base coach for the Carolina Mudcats.

Annie Savoy: Annie and Crash date for a few months, but when Crash serves time for assault, Annie takes up another lover from the Durham Bulls, this time a coach. She has had it with naive, naif-like rookies and longs for a more meaningful relationship. Unfortunately, she chooses Larry Dockett, whose best coaching ever was to suggest buying Jimmy and Millie candle sticks as wedding presents. Unable to convince him to breathe through his eyelids or wear her underwear, she settles for convincing him to smell through his elbows and wear Aquaman tighty whities. They are married and have four children, though three of them now live as wards of the state.

Nuke LaLoosh: Nuke was an instant hit with the Atlanta Braves. Known for his asinine quotes, such as "We take it one game at a time," "I'm just happy to be here," and "The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the spout again - think about it," Nuke soon had a following of young, easy women whom he wooed with incorrect song lyrics and charming linen suits. He played for 11 years in the majors, retiring with above average stats. After his playing career, he entered broadcasting. He now works for ESPN as its lead baseball analyst. His catch phrase "Take that, Humpty Dumpty!" is world famous.

RoboCop (1987)

This is a hard one for three reasons. 1) About half of the people in the movie die, which leaves precious few people's futures up for conjuncture. 2) There are two sequels. 3) The movie, released in 1987, is supposed to take place in the near future from what I can tell. Of course, the technology in the movie (GPS, robotic greeting realtors, etc.) dates to at least the 1990s - except for that part about rebirthing dead men inside robots, which won't be finalized for at least three more years (search the message boards) - so I am going to place this movie at 1990 and call it a day. As for the other two problems: 1) I will speculate about those still living at the end of the movie (and of course RoboCop himself) and 2) I, like the rest of America, will ignore RoboCop 2 and 3. On to the epilogue!

RoboCop (Officer Murphy): RoboCop, having brutally murdered all those responsible for his death, serves on the force for 15 more years, cleaning up the streets of Detroit like an unemotional, monotone version of Batman. Oh wait, that is just like Batman. RoboCop nonetheless develops a reputation as a good cop, following his three prime directives with sterling and robotic efficiency until one day in 2001, RoboCop, growing increasingly cocksure following years of pristine service, mistakenly shoots a young girl in the chest. In testimony before a grand jury, he would claim the girl was a cyborg like himself, a later day RoboVillian, whose objective was to implant herself into society and corrupt it from within before eventually spawning into other RoboVillians to take over the world, starting with Ford Motor Company. No one believes him. Though cleared of all charges, RoboCop is forced into early retirement. He buys a farm in Indiana where he grows corn with his wife, a John Deere baler. They have four kids, all tractors.

Officer Anne Lewis: After assisting RoboCop with some more "target practice," Lewis falls deeply in love with RoboCop. Remember, she had a deep attachment with Officer Murphy, slowly cultivated while they were partners for well over one afternoon. Lewis's love burns unrequited while RoboCop develops a relationship with a Frigidaire. Unable to work in the same city with a man who doesn't love her, Lewis moves to Chicago, where she falls in love with a toaster. The two date for a few years, but Lewis remains unsettled. She moves to Washington in 1997 to work in the Clinton administration as part of the President's Physical Fitness Challenge. Unfortunately, after years of failed relationships, she turns to food and balloons to 250 pounds. This sparks a romantic interest from the President, and the two have an off-again, on-again affair for a few months. Lewis moves to California in 2001 and becomes a bodyguard for child actors.

The armed robber who shouted "f*** me" over and over while shooting RoboCop for a solid 10 seconds without getting the hint that it wasn't working: Served a 10-year sentence. He now writes for Gossip Girl.

The Old Man: After hearing that everyone at CDC refers to him as the Old Man, he rededicates his life to fitness and taking better care of himself. Only 38 years old, he stays out of the sun, eats healthier, and dyes his prematurely-grey hair black. He has outlived all the members of his board, half of whom die in the tragic meeting where a new generation of robot, RoboMom, had been introduced. She, of course, lost control and beat 10 men to death with a rolling pin before being subdued. As his is policy, the Old Man does not fire those responsible for deaths in his board room but rather admonishes them for wasting money and encourages them to try again.

Dick Jones, Clarence Boddicker, Bob Morton, Johnson, Emil, Leon Cash, half the Detroit Police Department, and countless other criminals: Still dead.

Pretty in Pink (1986)

Andie Walsh: After a brief fling, Andie and Blane break up. Andie moves to France to study fashion, only to find that it is 1990 and her garish dresses are not only the least popular things in Paris, but also some of the most vomited upon. Unable to find gainful employment, Andie lives on the streets for a few years, picking up a little money doing caricatures of tourists but sustaining mostly on bread from trashcans and expired cheese. She saves up enough money to come back to America, where she meets up with Steff (see below), whom she can no longer deny. The are married and have five kids: Two are douchebags, two are middling tennis players, and one is a deaf-mute named Trigg.

Blane McDonnagh: The summer of 1986 was good to Blane. Dating his best girl, Blane was on top of the world. He had forsaken his world of money and country clubs, white tuxedos and sports cars to date a down-to-earth, working class girl. However, his friends and family soon abandoned him, and having planned to live on his trust fund and therefore unprepared to find work with a high school diploma, Blane found himself penniless and alone. Depressed and able to cry at the drop of a hat (seriously, this guy cries when the bathroom is running low on toilet paper), Blane proves to be too much for Andie, who dumps him. Blane moves to Hollywood to pursue a writing career. His heartfelt script, I Left My Heart in My Benz, becomes a semi-hit in the fall of 1989, and Blane enjoys a stream of moderately successful movies before the world learns that he is in fact a man. Audiences stay away from his next feature, Vaginal Diaries,and Blane now lives in seclusion in New Mexico.

Jack Walsh: Dead. Suicide. That bit about getting over his wife? He faked it.

Duckie: Duckie had a great prom night. He lost his virginity to the drunk blond who mistook him for Steff's slightly less attractive cousin, Pucky. The next morning, after realizing what she has done, said blond slaps Duckie so hard, his hair momentarily comes unstuck. With the pain of 18 years of lies coming over him, Duckie blurts out "I'm gay!" and moves to California, where he meets the man of his dreams, Goosie. They live happily together in San Francisco.

Steff: Steff has a rough time after prom. After Blane chooses a poor girl over being his friend, Steff calls into question his entire world view. He attends Yale in the fall, but only reluctantly. He has a string of one night stands with loose women, but all the while wondering if he's right. He takes a job at his father's company following college, but only with strong, never-spoken-aloud reservations. Three years into his job, he hires a PI to track down the one girl who got away, Andie Walsh. Upon learning that she has returned to America, he tracks her down and admits he loves her. He promises to fund a clothing line for her, and she agrees to marry him. Steff realizes that having money is awesome.

Iona: Dead. Untreated staph infection.